Tag: request

Ladies and Gentlemen, a Toast to my brief Tenure as Governor of the Bahamas! For, under my Watch, no less than three-hundred avowed Pirates took the King’s Pardon and swore Fealty to the Crown!

And yet, for all my Successes, his Majesty has seen fit to sack me! And call me Home to England. Brilliant! God bless the Fucker!

Therefore, Hooray! Hooray for the ignoble and ignorant Prigs who rule the World with sticks up their Arses! Hooray!

Haytham: Tell me about yourself, William.

Johnson: What’s to tell? I was born in Ireland to Catholic parents which I learned early in life, severely limited my opportunities. So I converted to Protestantism and journeyed here at the behest of my uncle.

But I fear my uncle Peter was not the swiftest of men. He sought to open trade with the Kanien’kehá:ka – but chose to build his settlement away from the trade routes instead of ON them. I tried to reason with the man… But…

As I said, not the swiftest. So I took what little money I’d earned and bought my own little plot of land. I built a home, a farm, a store, and a mill. Humble beginnings – but well situated, which made all the difference.

Haytham: So this is how you came to know the Mohawk?

Johnson: Indeed. And it has proved a valuable relationship.

Haytham: But still no mention from your contacts of the precursor site? No hidden temple or ancient constructs?

Johnson: Yes and no. Which is to say – they have their fair share of sacred sites – Earthen mounds, forest clearings, hidden caves… but nothing matching what you described. No strange metals, no… odd glows.

Haytham: Hmm. It is well hidden.

Johnson: Even to them, it seems. But cheer up, my friend. You’ll have your precursor treasure. I swear it.

Haytham: To our success, then.

Johnson: And soon!

Franklin: Hello again.

Haytham: More Almanac pages?

Franklin: Not quite. It’s a treatise, actually.

Haytham: Oh? Concerning what?

Franklin: The benefits of taking an older woman as a lover.

Haytham: Really? This, I’d like to hear.

Franklin: First and most obvious – they’re wiser. And so this makes for far more stimulating conversation. Makes other things more stimulating as well. But more on that in a moment.

Haytham: Alright. Your argument for experience makes some sense.

Franklin: Second, when beauty fades, women must improve their utility – lest they be discarded and forgotten. Rare is an old woman who is not also kind, compassionate, and good.

Haytham: That’s something of a generalization.

Franklin: But also true. Now onto the third! Older women cannot conceive! Which means one less thing over which to fret. In fact, you also decrease the chance of acquiring something like the French Pox – its presence clearly visible – or the woman dead.

Haytham: And should one desire a child?

Franklin: Then make a young woman your wife. Let the older woman be a mistress. And that brings me to my fourth point: With age comes prudence. An older woman is less likely to reveal your indiscretions.

Haytham: Yes. I suppose you know quite a bit about that.

Franklin: And proud of it, thank you! As to the fifth reason: Because in every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the highest part: the face first grows lank and wrinkled, then the neck; then the breast and arms; the lower parts continuing to last as plump as ever: so covering all the above with a basket, and regarding only what is below the girdle, it is impossible of two women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all cats are grey, the pleasure of corporal enjoyment with an old woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every knack being by practice capable of improvement.

Haytham: You mad bastard!

Franklin: Well it’s true. And believe me, I should know – I’ve sampled a great many. You should try one as well! Like a fine wine, they only improve with age. Although… I suppose if left unattended too long, they have a tendency to sour. And that, my friend, is a most unpleasant experience. Better to work in a field often plowed, you know?

Haytham: Is there more?

Franklin: Indeed, indeed. The sixth is this: the sin is less. To take a maidenhead is a great responsibility. Mishandled, it can ruin lives. No such risk with an older woman. And this implies the seventh: younger women are more given to compunction. Anxiety and unease are not present in the more aged and experienced. And as to the the last of my reasons. Well it’s really quite simple. Older women are so very grateful for the attention.

Haytham: You make a compelling argument, Mister Franklin. I might just have to run a few tests myself.

Franklin: I highly recommend it!